


I think you're suffering from a lack of Vitamin ME

by Nesi23



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: F/F, Just pure lighthearted fluff and humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7361266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nesi23/pseuds/Nesi23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a series of oneshots to keep us entertained I guess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You've got to be Squiding Me Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a while back and will be adding more one shots to this. Don't know long each chapter will be or when updates will be. Just go with the flow.

Shaw barrels in through the front door of her apartment, or hers and Root’s , whatever carrying a couple bags with sandwiches and pastries for lunch. 

The apartment has a certain stench to it and Shaw wonders if Root’s actually bathed yet for today, or since like the past two days from where she was hunched over her laptop typing away for Her. It still creeps Shaw out to this day that the damn thing took not only Root’s voice but her personality, fucking nerds.

“Root!” Shaw shouts from the kitchen.

“I’ll be right down sweetie!” The said woman replies from upstairs. 

No sooner is Root skipping down the steps and moves to hug Shaw from behind only for the smaller woman to hiss. Root pulls back and can see Shaw has a bruise on her jaw, popped lip and scrape on her brow. 

“Sweetie what happened?” Root’s voice is lace with concern as she lifts Shaw’s shirt to see bruises along Sameen’s ribs. 

She brushes her hand lightly over them “Are they broken?” 

Shaw scoffs before shoving Root’s hand away “If they were broken I wouldn’t be able to walk Root”

“You barely look like you can” Root challenges her before pausing a teasing tone to her voice “Or is that from all the positions I had you in last night” moving to nip lightly at Shaw’s ear. 

Shaw gulps slightly leveling Root with a glare trying to swallow down the rush of arousal that pools in her stomach at Root’s words. She growls “Shut up” causing Root to grin before taking out a sandwich for herself and taking a huge bite moaning at the taste. “Glad to see you finally took a shower you were starting to stink. That smell must be your left over stench” she smirks and Root narrows her eyes and shows her the finger. 

“She had an errand for me to run today, got out of the house for a couple of hours” Root tries to steal a bite of Shaw’s sandwich only to be smacked in the forehead.

“Yours is in the bag” she said in a way of explanation before limping over slightly to the couch. And there was that stench again. “Root seriously what is that fucking smell?” Shaw grimaced.

“I don’t know sweetie, maybe the garbage needs to go out” Root appeared beside her with a first aid kit. Shaw rolled her eyes but let Root tend to her grazes resulting her being in only her sports bra and boy shorts, Root definitely appreciated the sight. 

“You gonna ogle at me all day or actually clean my cuts before they get infected?” 

Root sighed fondly “Sameen, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” 

Shaw screwed up her face “Did it hurt when you rose from hell?” she shot back. 

Root grinned and then half winked as she pressed a gentle kiss to the inside of the shorter woman’s thigh “Maybe”.

After Root was done worrying over Shaw she went to use the bathroom on the first floor, not feeling to go up the stairs in her tired and painful state. As she approached the stench seemed to be strongest here but the toilet and sink were fine and Root didn’t seem bothered, maybe it was her tired mind.

Shaw was half way through her pee slouched over with her hands covering her face when she felt something thick and slimy run across her foot. Shaw eyes shot open as she halted her pee and jumped from the toilet, whipped out the spare gun from under the sink “What the fuck?!” 

Shaw pulled back the curtain from the tub for her jaw to drop and eyes just about to pop out of her head, and accidentally pulled the trigger into the wall of the shower “Root!” she yelled.

At the immediate sound of gunfire Root whipped out a gun of her own and raced to the bathroom to see Shaw, in no immediate danger but a hole in the shower wall and now the splashing of water “Oh now look what you’ve done Shaw!” Root growled frustrated as she knelt beside the tub and turned on the nozzle. 

Shaw quickly pulled her boy shorts back up to gawk at Root “What I’ve done! You’re the one who has a fucking giant squid in our bathtub! What the fuck Root?!” 

“And now you’ve gone and made him upset, thanks for that” Root chastised as if it were a normal everyday thing.

Maybe Root hit her head on the mission, yeah that would explain, whatever the fuck this was. 

Shaw didn’t even have the strength for this right now she was way too tired, maybe she was imagining it, yeah definitely. Holy shit, do I need some sleep.

Shaw gently put the gun back under the sink before limping out the bathroom “Scared the pee right back in me” she mumbled still in shock. 

Shaw stopped once more to turn around and momentarily glanced at the fact that Root was serenading a fucking squid and turned to hobble back out to the couch before yelling over her shoulder “No sex for a week!”

Root suddenly stopped what she was doing and turned off the tap before chasing after her girlfriend “Oh no, no, no. You can’t do that to me Sameen!” her eyes widening fretfully.

“Just watch me” came the snarl as Shaw prepared herself for a nap on the couch. 

“Baby, have I ever told you how much I love you” Root tried.

“Go love that pee stealing, stomach wrenching, stink ass piece of shit Root. And if that thing isn’t out of this apartment within the hour, I’m gonna make it no sex for two weeks” 

Root eyes widened as she quickly raced back to the bathroom conversing with The Machine. If this thing wasn’t out of here soon, they were definitely be having Calamari for dinner.


	2. You've got to be Squiding Me Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of this Shenanigans. Prequel and Sequel to chapter one I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other chapters probably won't be this long but will definitely be just as fun! :)

*Before the Shenanigans* 

“Alright I’m leaving now” Shaw announced as she stepped out the bedroom fully clothed tucking her gun in her pants and searching for her boot knife.

“Mhm” Root replied distracted, from where she was perched on the couch, crouched over her laptop, having been there for two days already. 

“Root go and take a shower and try and eat before you pass out or something. I’m not dragging a dead girl out of this apartment” Shaw grabbed her mug of coffee before grabbing Bear’s leash as he trotted over to her.

“Yeah I love you too, sweetie” The taller woman did not hear a single word. 

Shaw scoffed “Whatever” before leaving slamming the door with a thud. Root sighed, one day that thing was going to fall off its hinges. 

Root finished not too long after Shaw had left and decided to stretch and caught a whiff of herself, she really needed to bathe. 

“Is there anything else you would like for me to do today?” she asked The Machine. 

/No Analogue Interface has completed her mission and is in need of some rest/ 

Root pouted “But I’m not tired, please. Make it an easy and fun one” she pleaded. 

The Machine gave in /Analogue interface needed downtown/ 

Root smiled and quickly cleaned herself up, actually showering, washing her hair and eating some left over lo mien before healing out the door and onto her Motorcycle. 

“So where am I headed” 

The Machine directed her to the exact location which turned out to be a warehouse, why was she not surprised. She doubled check to make sure she had all her weapons before moving to survey. She sneaked around the back easing herself in silently, fully expecting gang members, weapons and money laying around.

Oh no, not by the least but instead this scene was an animal auction. 

“Okay I know Sameen’s always talking about wanting another pet but I don’t think this is what she was referring to” Root said slightly taken aback, looking at some wildly exotic creatures which included a parrot to her right, giving her the whistle.

Okay that’s just gross animals shouldn’t be able to do that.

/You said you wanted something easy and fun/ The machine counters.

“Fun includes shooting kneecaps” she pouted.

/Nine o’clock/

Root whipped out her gun, that contained a silencer, and shot a security guard before he could get to her first. He fell to the floor yelping before Root knocked him out with the butt of her gun. 

“Okay now it’s getting fun” she smiled.

/Go around the back, there you will see a rather large container, be careful with handling/

Root does as she's told, trying not to alert anyone to her presence, not that anyone would actually care about her. 

Then she sees it. This slimy monster squishing around in a rather large fish tank, that has a slight smell to it. But to be fair she was surrounded by a shit load of well... shit. 

“Well what am I supposed to do with it?” her face curling in slight disgust. 

/They have named this creature Squidward. I believe his name has been derived from the children’s show titled Sponge-Bob. About a sponge named bob, and his friend Patrick whom is a starfish/

“Yes I know the show, not a very original name. But why do I need to take squishy head here and not any other animal?”

/Squidward is the very last male of his specific species of squid, and his rare DNA. If he is sold at this auction the species will deplete and extinct themselves. However there are three females of his kind left and to reproduce../

“Yeah, alright I can figure out the rest” Root sighs. “But I can’t carry him on my bike”

/There is a vehicle waiting for you just outside the backdoor. There is also a ramp that you can take Squidward down while still on his trolley. They have made sure to secure him properly/

Root smiles “You think of everything”. She steps closer and gets a whiff of Squidward though. “Phew, Sam’s not going to be happy about this. Maybe I’ll throw some bubble bath in your water.”

Suddenly The Machine beeped in her ear /I DO NOT ADVISE THAT. IT CAN POISON HIM/

“Alright fine, calm down.” Root breathes trying to sneak a fucking squid out of this damn warehouse.

The driver of the car seems to pay the squid no mind ass he helps Root load it into the trunk. He’s probably been paid to not even glance at it which just makes things easier for her. 

He’s a real gentleman taking up to her apartment and setting the tank in the tub causing the squid to rile up a bit. Of course before he leaves he needs to give Root his number and as he closes the door she throws it in the bin. 

She makes her way back to see this fricken Scuba- Doo thrashing around in the tank. 

/Squidward appears to be in distress. You should try running the water to calm him as well as sing to him/

Root face falls into a thin line, she opens her mouth then closes, before finally speaking “You want me to sing, to a squid?”

/It will calm the creature/ The Machine reassures her.

Root sighs but gets on her knees running the bath lowly while starting to hum lightly first then sing the theme of SpongeBob. Needless to say Squidward was not impressed. Root thinks he actually calmed down so he wouldn’t have to hear her singing anymore which was fine with her as she made her way up the stairs. 

Then Shaw comes home and throws a fit and upsets Squidward again, just fucking great. But after the threat of no sex for a week this thing needed to get out of here fast. Last species or not, if it disturbed her sex life, it had to die.

“Okay you heard what Sameen said, either this thing goes, or it dies” Root tells The Machine.

/I have understood Primary Asset Shaw and her wishes. A species expert and Zoologist by the name of Erick will pick up Squidward. Eta about ten minutes./

Root smiles “Perfect. And could you also have two orders of Sameen’s favorite steak delivered too” 

/Placing order now/

“Thank you. But I do have a bone to pick with you, why didn’t you tell me Sameen was hurt” Root frowned. 

“Because I asked Her not to” Shaw’s voice came from behind Root making her jump. Shaw tries and fails to hide the little smirk tugging at her lip.

“Why?” Root asks bringing her finger to touch the split in Shaw’s lip.

Shaw hisses a little “Cause it’s nothing I can’t handle”.

Root hums before leaning in and gently pressing her lips to Shaw's and over the split.

Shaw feels little somersaults in her stomach and tries to push down the feeling even as they part but Root rests their foreheads together and caresses her cheek.

Shaw clears her throat “You know what you gonna do with that stink thing yet?” tilting her head to the tub.

Root scrunches her nose “Was thinking about wrapping it and giving it to Lionel for an early Christmas present” she shrugs.

Shaw actually blows a little laugh and Root can feel her chest flutter at the thought that she caused that. 

“She’s sending someone to pick him up in about ten minutes” Root parrots The Machine and Shaw nods.

“So about the whole week of no sex thing..., am I off the hook?” Root asks running her hands along Shaw’s arms to play with her fingers, head tilted and eyes twinkling.

Shaw smirks “Maybe there’s a way you can work it off” 

Root quirks an eyebrow moving to close the gap between their lips, though not touching “And just how might I do that?” as she gets closer with their lips brushing Shaw pulls back suddenly and starts limping up the stairs.

“Baby oil, body lotion, ice pack, and a cold beer. I’ll be in the tub soaking until that thing is gone and when he is, only then can you try to redeem yourself” 

Root gawks at her retreating figure then looks back to the squid “Hope your balls hurt when you try to impregnate other squids” she huffs before plopping down on the tile floor, wishing this zoo person to come earlier.


	3. Knock, Knock, Knockn' Out Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaw's just done, lol :P.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much shorter chapter this time but I think its just as good :). Let me know your thoughts?

It’s 6 am and Shaw has had yet another long number and with eyes just about fully closed she walks, or more like drags herself to her apartment. Having lived here for a while and knowing the exact amount of steps it takes her to reach the front door. 

Which is supposed to be twelve steps away from the elevator and if she lifts her hand just above her abdomen it would normally bump into the door knob. Shaw feels for the offending object fruitlessly, she’s hitting air. 

*SCREECH*

Shaw’s eyes fly open and they are assaulted with an oncoming storm of dust. She takes a few steps back to fully observe the scene in front of her and can’t help as her eyes open fully in horror. 

The front door it literally hanging half way off its hinges with Root kneeling behind it wearing overalls, a mask, goggles and beige combat boots. But oh no, that’s not all. Next to her drinking out of a fucking bowl of milk, is a fucking pig!

Shaw steps back to make sure this is in fact their apartment before stepping forward only to be greeted with the noise of Root’s half drill, half saw.

“Root!” she shouts gaining no attention from the other woman, who’s literally drilling a hole into their beautiful floors. 

“ROOT!” Shaw shouts louder this time and Root looks up cuts the drill off, pulling aside her goggles and mask, looking sheepishly at Shaw.

The pig gets scared and runs further into the apartment. Shaw’s face is a sight for sore and angry eyes.

“Hey sweetie” 

Silence.

“How was your day?”

Silence.

“You hungry?”

Silence.

Root nods understandingly “Okay, literally just like one more minute then I’m done”. Just then the little piglet comes running back out and brushes itself along Root’s thigh “Oh that’s Porker by the way. You know like Parker instead with an O cause he’s pork...”

Silence. 

“Right” Root stands up quickly fixing the hinges on the door which only takes a couple minutes, before sweeping all the dust in a corner and then swinging the door on its hinges, successfully staying intact “See all better” she grins at Shaw who has not uttered a word but has not moved or taken her eyes off of Root for one second. 

Root takes off her getup before hooking Porker to a leash and grabbing her house keys and standing right in Shaw’s personal space for a good minute. Eventually she seems satisfied and kisses Shaw before leaving and slamming the front door.

It falls off it hinges, hits her on the way out.

Actually knocks her the fuck out. Shaw sighs, she’s so fucking done.

She carries Root’s limp body and dumps her on the bed throwing an ice pack on her head after checking it briefly, she’ll be okay. She locks the pig in the guest room and proceeds to sleep half on top Root.

She’s so fucking done.


	4. Knock Knock Knockin' Out Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 to Chapter 3  
> Poor Root and Porker. Shaw's a little shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the sweet comments guys, and for the kudos. Enjoy :)

Root wakes with a groan her hands automatically moving to grab at her head “Ow, what the fuck?” she peers around and Shaw is in some weird ass cat like position mostly on the on her but her head also on the pillow.

Shaw’s snoring slightly and there’s a slobber of drool oozing from the side of her mouth onto the pillow. 

“Sameen” Root calls out to her, but Shaw’s sleeping like a dead woman. Root tries again this time nudging her and the shorter woman continues o n in her slumber like its nobody’s business. 

Root confused, tired and a bit agitated jabs her finger into Shaw’s throat, hard. Shaw chokes as her eyes shoot open and before she registers whats shes doing grabs Root’s wrists and turns it at a painful angle. 

Exhausted and pissed off Shaw growls “What the fuck, Root?” 

“You know I was asking myself that same question Sam” Root pries her wrist from Shaw’s grip.

Shaw furrows her brows “What?” 

“What the hell happened, Sameen? My head, neck and back hurts like I was hit by a truck”

Shaw pushes through her sleep fogged state to try and put a coherent sentence together, but she’s too tired “Root shhh and go sleep. You knocked the door in your fucking brain, idiot. Also bye bye, Porkie”

Root pauses “What?” she’s even more confused than before but Shaw’s already laying back down cozying into the covers.

She sighs and slaps Shaw, hard “A proper fucking sentence Sameen”

Enraged the shorter woman sits up again, more awake now from the punishing hit “Root got you knocked the fuck out! By yourself! And nearly damn well made us pork chops for dinner almost killing the goddamn pig” 

Suddenly everything comes rushing back to her and she sits up quickly, a little too quickly, as she stumbles from the bed in frantic search of the pig “Oh my god, Sameen, did I kill Porker?!” 

Shaw’s trailing behind her because Root looks very unstable or something, or maybe she’s the unstable one. Yeah probably her cause she doesn’t remember that statue in the corner being able to move before. And yes they have a statue in the house, don’t ask.

“What, no, Root” 

Relieved the taller woman finds the pig unharmed “Hi Porkie!” she greets him.

The pig squeals as it runs straight for Root and she scoops him up in her arms kissing his head. 

Shaw eyes widen “Ew Root, don’t kiss that thing, you don’t know what it could have. Where the hell did you get him anyway?” 

“Mrs. Pierce”

“Who?” 

“First floor, second on the right.”

Shaw stares at her blankly.

“Old lady with a marijuana plant right outside her front door, that no one pays attention to” Root clarifies. 

“OH, but uh, what does she got to do with that pig?” 

“He belongs to her, she says he’s her grandson” Root starts rocking the pig back and forth like its a child. 

“Okay? Still doesn’t explain why you have it” 

“She’s a Seven Day Adventist, Sam, and her bible study group decided to have their session at her place this week. You know how they feel about pork, she just doesn’t want anything to happen to him” 

“How do you know she’s just not hiding him, so she can butcher him soon and have him with her eggs and coffee in a few weeks” 

As if understanding what she’s saying, Porker screeches loudly until Root puts him down and gets him some more milk. “Sameen! Watch your mouth in front of Porker!” 

“Whatever I’m tired, I’m going back to bed. Tell her to call me when she’s ready to eat that thing”

Root throws a pill bottle after Shaw as she retreats to the bedroom “That’s not going to happen” 

From the bed Shaw shouts back “What would you know, you just knocked yourself out!”

Root sighs, she can’t believe this shit, Shaw is going to tease her for the rest of her life. She picks up Porker and goes to the couch to watch TV. 

From the bedroom Shaw sends her a brutal video of a pig being slaughtered, she doesn't eat bacon for a month and Porker’s scarred for the rest of his life.


	5. Unpatient Sweets? A Patient Retreat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Number at a theme park, Shaw should listen to Root.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support guys :) <3.

“Sameen duck!” 

Shaw does as she’s told just as a hammer of sorts is swung to where her head just was. She leaps up and kicks the perp in his kneecap, lunges her knee in his groin causing him to double over before grabbing the hammer and using the end of the stick to know the guy out.

Breathing heavily she peers behind her to see Root holding her own with another guy twice her size “You okay Root?” 

“I’m just fine, sweetie. Why don’t you go buy us a couple of churros and a soda to share while I finish up here.” she pants, skillfully avoiding blows and dishing out her own.

“Alright” Shaw nods knowing Root can handle herself, and goes off in search of goodies.

Root fends off two more blows before the bigger guy finally manages to get one to her stomach, giving her the perfect opportunity to grab her taser and when he yanks her back up by the hair she jabs the device into the underside of his neck and watch as his bodies convulses and falls to the ground. 

Root zipties the guy and then flashes her badge at the park’s security guards make up some bullshit story and they hold onto them until some cops show up to collect them.

Shaw comes back with the requested items plus cotton candy and Root’s face instantly lights up, and so what if Shaw got Root her favorite treat without her asking for it, whatever. 

“Awe thank you, sweetie” she says completely ignoring the churro she was being offered and attacked the cotton field on a stick from where Shaw was holding it sideways with her teeth.

Shaw grunted as Root took the item out of her mouth and played with it while eating. Root pauses momentarily eyeing all the goodies Shaw has on her and frowns a little “Sweetie, you can’t eat all of that, you’ll get sick” 

Shaw rolls her eyes “Whatever grandma, I’ll be perfectly fine. I have the appetite of a whale and the metabolism of a humming bird, thank you very much”

Root gives her a condescending look “Shaw it doesn’t how much or how fast you eat, all that sugar is going to make you sick”

Shaw looks her dead in the eye and rips open a bag of sour patch kids and shove them all in her mouth one time. Chewing and slowly quickly, as if to prove her point. 

Root throws her hands up in surrender “Fine but don’t come whining to me when you start vomiting tonight”

Shaw scoffs “I don’t whine or vomit” she says with disgust.

Root turns to give her a look, because seriously, last time Shaw got a stomach bug Root couldn’t leave the apartment for three days.

Root sighs “Whatever lets just go for some rides before closing time” 

And they do, all the really big and fun ones. Shaw is feeling spectacular for the rest of the night, downing almost the large coke all by herself. Afterwards they stop to pick up pizza for dinner, because Shaw wants to continue the junk theme they have going on for the night. 

Shaw’s finishing off her last lollipop as they walk through the door, carefully carrying two large boxes of pizza. She puts one in the fridge for food tomorrow and takes the other box to the couch.

“Sameen you should really drink some water, you’ve barely had any today” Root comes up behind her with a cool bottle. 

Shaw couldn’t roll her eyes any further if she tried “Root I’m telling you, I’ll be fine!” folding a slice of pizza and shoving it in her mouth. 

*Four hours Later* 

Shaw glares at Root from where she’s doubled over the toilet bowl, wrenching her guts out and shooting accusatory looks at Root in the process. 

Root tries to rub the sleep from her eyes as she holds back Shaw’s hair for her “I don’t want to say I told you so Sameen but...., I told you so”

As Shaw opens her mouth to tell Root to shut up she ends up hurling again, prompting Root to continue “Gummy Bears, Cotton Candy, Coke, Reese’s Pieces, Sour Patch Kids, oh and we can’t forget the Churros, as well as the Twizzlers, Skittles and a double layered lava cake. Honestly Sameen, I don’t know what the hell you were expecting” looking disapprovingly down at the shorter woman.

Shaw’s expression shifts from anger to frown, Root can see the slight wrinkles of pain in her face. Shaw empties her contents one last time before sitting back with a groan. 

Her stomach churns, her head is pounding and its hot as hell. Not really but her body is really acting up right now.

The shorter woman feels the regret hitting her like a truck now that she hadn’t listened to Root, and the hacker can see the slight pout on her face as she looks to her exhausted eyes. 

Root gives her head a soothing rub before grabbing a cup of water and mouthwash for Shaw to rinse. Fortunately she made it to the toilet just in time that no where else needed to be cleaned except the toilet bowl, and though Shaw’s clothes were perfectly fine, Root found her something cooler to wear. 

The shorter woman climbs into bed after taking a small tentative sip of water before pulling at Root to join her. The hacker resists in favor of going to the kitchen causing Shaw to mutter a growly, groany whine of sorts, she doesn’t even care how she sounds right now. She just feels so fucking bad. 

“I’ll be right back” Root reassures her before making her some purely green tea, unsweetened obviously and grabbing some crackers and some aspirin before sitting on the edge of the bed. 

The shorter woman is squirming slightly in the covers and doesn’t hesitate to drink at least half the tea in small sips and eats a single cracker and taking the pills. Root satisfied cocoons them expertly in the blankets, Shaw curling halfway into/on top of her. Root rubs soothing circles on her back as the shorter woman becomes more relaxed. 

“Roooot” Shaw groans

“Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon enough, baby”

“The candy betrayed me” 

“The candy did nothing, Sam”

“It was poisoned” Shaw protests nuzzling further into Root’s chest.

“It was not”

“Yes it was” 

Root sighs “I don’t why you eat so much anyway. You’re already plenty sweet, where do you think I get the names Sweetie and Honey from?”

“Willy Wonka” 

Root laughs at Shaw’s being able to crack a joke. She turns her head to nibble on Shaw’s cheek pulling her closer “Sleep if off” she whispers.

On the edge of slumber Shaw grumbles “It was still poisoned”

Root smiles “Whatever you say, Sam” 

Shaw throws up on Root twice more that night and suffers a day long migraine the next day, she doesn’t eat candy for a fucking week.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh you guys can give prompts for this, here in the comments or find me @nesi-world.tumblr.com.


End file.
